I have started several posts in these past few months. I have never finished any of them. They would have been entertaining and amusing, but I was never able to find the energy to complete them.
How can I possibly relate what has been happening in our home? There are truly no words.
My bipolar daughter has been in crisis. We have all been in crisis. I stumble through every single day, vacillating between tears and anger, desperation and fear.
I miss my job. I miss my coworkers. I miss folding jeans and waiting on customers. I miss my paycheck.
I miss getting my hair cut and pedicures with my girlfriends.
I miss quiet days, spent cleaning the house, folding laundry, running errands, watching Netflix, eating waffles for lunch and taking naps.
I miss my Husband. I miss laughing with him at the end of a day. I miss curling into his arms and feeling safe. Nowhere feels safe.
I miss sex. I miss flirting in the kitchen, and taking it to the bedroom when the Hobbit’s are asleep.
I miss our friends. I miss hearing funny stories, playing dice, and laughing while we have another cocktail.
I miss being alone.
Somehow, we manage to make our home safe for all of the Hobbit’s. We take care of our fragile Hobbit. We spend time with each of the others.
We are emotionally and physically spent. At the end of every day, I wonder how we will find the strength to carry on. But we do.
I currently hate every mental health worker I meet. They are kind. They say the right things. They tell us that we are wonderful parents and we are doing everything exactly right. “It will just take time,” they say. They don’t know what they are talking about. I’m running out of time. My strength and resources will not last much longer.
I hate people who say they are praying for us. God is not listening.
I hate people who say they understand. No. No, you don’t. You may empathize, but you do not understand.
I hate people who question her diagnosis or her treatment. Stay the fuck out of it. You don’t know what you are talking about.
I hate when people ask how they can help. There is nothing you can do. You cannot take over parenting for us. Would you like to float our bills for a few months so we can parent full-time and then take a long vacation? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I know you mean well, but I can’t think of one helpful thing that anyone can do.
We are managing to keep the other Hobbit’s well-functioning. Our fragile Hobbit is hanging in there. That is success for now.
We are over-burdened. We are exhausted. We are spent. We are at the end of our ropes. We are barely hanging on to the faintest glimmer of hope.
Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won’t. I just don’t know right now.