Before starting to recap the holiday weekend, you may want to refer back to the well-adjusted post about how I had planned to handle the family gatherings this year. I wrote pretty flowery words about being confident and secure. Ha! Nearly the complete opposite of how it actually turned out.
The Hubby’s family gathering was uneventful and pleasant, but my family brings out a whole lot of crazy in me.
We started out of town at my Grand-Hobbit’s. That visit held the usual “we wish we could see you more” and “aren’t the Hobbits cute” as well as the expected venomous comments from the overly bitter aunt.
In the night, I had a PTSD-inspired dream of past church members spanking my children. Nope! No crazy here. Completely self-confident and well-adjusted.
The morning routine of feeding and dressing children was accompanied by the jarring sounds of nail guns as my bro-in-law had a construction crew racing to finish a room addition. Special. Nail guns, laying carpet, and preparing dinner for thirty famly members, arriving by noon.
I washed down my anti-depressants with a Xanax.
Within thirty minutes, I was sobbing in the bathroom and heading toward a full-blown panic attack. To make things worse, the parental unit would soon be arriving. I took another Xanax, washed down by a red solo cup of hard liquor and a splash of fruit juice.
Hubby returned from a quick run to the store to find me passed out spread-eagled, face down on our bed. I have very little recollection of the next four hours.
The parental unit left soon after dinner, and the sibs started swapping stories of my antics. It was not pretty. Remember the flowery post I wrote just days before the holiday? Allow me to refresh your memory…
“First, I’m going to embrace the fact that I am no longer the insecure, doubtful young girl that I once was…” FAIL! I am now an insecure, doubtful, mildly stoned middle-aged woman.
“I will be kind and warm…” FAIL! I was not warm…more numb and tingly.
“I will be proud of the woman that I am….” EPIC FAIL! The woman I am was passed out cold on the bed. Not much pride in that one.
“I will allow myself to hide behind my emotional walls….” SUCCESS! I definitely allowed myself to hide behind walls….walls made with bricks of Xanax, Lexapro, Malibu rum, and peach schnapps.
“I will enjoy my Hobbits….and my neices and nephews….” FAIL! I don’t really even remember seeing my Hobbits. I was told that I tried (loudly) to embrace my poor little niece even as the Father figure was elaborately thanking God for food and family.
It had never crossed my mind that I could possibly be the most neurotic of the sibs. I honestly believed that my age and life experience had given me a maturity and self-awareness not possessed by any of the others. Surprise!
I suppose I can try to do better next time. Or maybe not.
Maybe I will just get better at managing my drug usage.